People who have kids will love it, but they won’t be able to get away from the scary images and songs. CoComelon Reviews, People don’t think you’re there, but you think so. All of a sudden, you hear a group of adults singing what sounds like a public-domain nursery rhyme set to tone-deaf, repetitive music. In the same way that musical Kryptonite makes you weak, this maddening siren song makes the walls warp and close in on you. You try your best to get to the source of this maddening song as quickly as possible. It looks like a demon clown and a skeleton monkey are dancing in the next room when you walk in. Instead, you see a human child staring at the TV while an animated, dead-eyed family of five plays basketball against dead-eyed animated animals. The chorus of the song says “pass, pass, pass.” They say, “It’s all she wants to watch.” This is the horror of CoComelon, and it’s at number six on Netflix right now.
Our family lived together from 2017 to 2020. In December 2018, they had their first child. For a year-and-a-half, I lived with a growing child, which meant I heard a lot of songs about kids. Among them were the show-stopping vocals of Auli’i Cravalho in Moana, “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” and “Baby Shark.”
As adults, even though we’ve heard them on what seemed like an endless loop, each of them has valuable qualities that make working with them not as bad as it sounds. It doesn’t matter if they’re fun, relaxing, or even a little too much at times. They have their benefits. The only thing that you’ll get from any of the videos if you’re a parent, relative, or just an unlucky person caught in the sound path is pain.
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Designed to be played for a long time, CoComelon has packages of nursery rhymes and original songs that can last from 30 minutes to more than an hour. This makes it the ideal torture device. I stayed up all night because it was so bad at keeping things the same. The songs were not so much catchy as psychologically invasive, so I was awake all night. I can only describe it as being stalked by “Songs From Ferris Wheels: Greatest Hits” to people who have never heard of it. It sounds like each song is made up of xylophone or piano melodies that are only good enough for kids to play with.
This is paired with singing from a group of adults and kids who don’t sound like real people, but rather a robot that makes voices based on how it thinks humans sound. It’s not always easy to turn old nursery rhymes into new nightmares. When that’s not the case, the original songs (which can still use nursery rhyme melodies, but add new lyrics) often sound like sing-songy narrations of whatever happens around the house. You can think of a song where a parent asks if their child is eating something, and a father says, “Ha-ha-ha.” The song ends with a spine-chilling “Ha-ha-ha.” It looks like the creators ran out of ideas, so they looked around and found random things and asked, “What sweet misery may we make out of you, my darling?”
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If you listen to these songs on repeat, your waking hours will be cursed like mine were. It’s the animation that will haunt your dreams. It looks like the screen is asking, “Can I be your friend for ever and ever and ever and ever?” Soulless eyes and smiles of the same shape appear on the screen. Key family of five: They look like they were made to make fun of people’s bodies. They are stiff and off-putting and can make people delirious just by looking at them. I can’t help but feel a sense of the macabre beneath the bright colours. There’s something wrong with that family. Maybe it’s how little JJ is still learning how to use the toilet or eat vegetables, but then he strolls off to school and sings musical numbers about what he wants to be when he grows up. Mom and Dad might think it’s fun for their kids to play with wolf-like people. Alternatively, it could be that there’s nothing else about them except the meandering nursery rhyme they sing to each other like a mad opera.
There must be a good reason for CoComelon to emphasise repetition through familiar songs, or something else that makes parents feel good about putting their kids in front of the TV for a long time. That doesn’t stop it from being a piece of software that scares me on a regular basis. I’m sure it was made by an AI that wants to win over the younger generation and weaken the adults so that it can take over. For people who have kids and are wondering what all the fuss is about, stop. A nightmare about baby JJ’s head spinning around while he sings “Old McDonald” is not worth violently waking up in the night. I know you love your child and want to use music to teach them how to wash their hands so that you don’t have to do it.
